Madara: Sage of Sex Paths
by Gal Can't Help It
Summary: All Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto. But not if Madara has anything to say about it. Madara's about to experience a different kind of awakening after his ascension to Sage level. And no 4th wall is going to stop him from getting what he wants in this omake. Can the Naruto cast and crew stop Madara and his awkward interactions with Sakura before it's too late? (Crack, AU)
1. Prologue of Mystery

In a darkened room, a man of great power and even greater hair sat alone. The raised platform, the only seating in the space, gave him an unimpeded view of the circular room's interior. The few burning lamps provided enough light for what only his eyes were meant to see. Though he did like the ambiance the candles created, the implication that something nefarious and of great import was soon to take place, he had really selected them for their soothing scent.

This evening, it was the tantalizing aroma of sandalwood.

The flames flickered, creating patterns on the cloth draped walls that bore his clan's insignia. The colourful array of weapons situated around the spacious room, many resting on elaborately hand-carved stands passed down through the generations, was both for form and function. A small smile slipped onto his face. _And how he loved to see them function._ Fond memories of only a few nights previous returned to him, the battle and the bloodshed that followed. One of the many perks that came with the job, his acolyte Obito had quipped at the time. He had to agree.

He rested his hand on the dais, running his fingers over the elaborate images covering the surface of the scroll laid out before him. Stylized images of warriors in battle, fighting against a force they could neither comprehend nor defeat. Tracing the outline of the victor depicted on the parchment, he felt vindication.

It would all go according to plan. How could it not? One does not invest a lifetime into such an elaborate plan to not have it come to fruition.

His way was the right way – it always had been. And now, everyone would know. When they succumbed in the final moment, they would finally know what true happiness was through this promised, everlasting sense of peace. _HE_ would be the deliverer of these tidings under a blood red moon. After all, it was what a god would do, taking care of those who were meant to grovel beneath him. It was almost altruistic in nature, a foreign concept to him at the best of times as a warm feeling filled his heart. Or at least roughly in the general vicinity of his heart as there was a great possibility that this warm feeling was really a swelling of pride combined with smug satisfaction. Or it could be indigestion. But still…in an altruistic sort of way.

While he continued to bask in the never-ending glow of his own greatness and impending exaltation to godhood, his rumination was interrupted by a blinding light from above. Narrowing his eyes against the sudden brightness, he noticed his aforementioned acolyte near the entrance with a hand still resting on the light switch. Sensing the tension in the room raise significantly from such a small movement, the younger man quickly turned off the offending light source before he could further annoy his superior.

"I apologize for disrupting your pensive brooding, Madara, but I bring good news."

The raised figure scoffed. "I'm not 'brooding'. I'm being contemplative."

 _Plotting_ , _scheming_ , and _manipulating_ were the words that came to mind in place of 'contemplative', but Obito kept his mouth shut in deference to self-preservation.

The former clan head shifted his position slightly, causing the front of his robe to part, exposing his inner thigh and higher, confirming that today was in fact 'Undergarments Optional Thursday'. Obito casually shifted his view to the dais. After spending several of his formative years with his leader, he was mostly accustomed to such eccentricities. Madara was never bothered by the minor detail that he was the only one who practiced the Thursday tradition. Though, when Hidan had been around, nearly every day had been pants optional.

"And what is this 'good news'?"

The command to reply pulled the younger man from his wistful musings. "That all is going according to plan, and that your special project is nearing completion sooner than we had previously anticipated."

Even in the dim light, Obito could make out the eerie smile from across the room. No matter how many years he spent in this man's presence, the elder's attempts at human expressions still managed to send cold shivers down his spine. Not to mention how it would scare small children.

"Good news, indeed. Is there anything else?"

"At this time, no."

"Very well. You may leave."

With the curt dismissal, Obito gave a quick nod and turned to leave, only to halt in mid-step at the sound of his name. Turning, he reluctantly made eye contact with his leader.

"Just one last thing. If you ever barge into my quarters unannounced again, I'll see to it that you're cleaning the paddocks for the next month, by hand, with no chakra. Is that understood?"

The younger man's eyes widened in horror. _Dear kami, not again!_

"Yes. Again, my apologies for interrupting your contemplation." The deep bow tacked onto the end seemed to placate his superior, and he hastily retreated to the relative safety of the outdoors.

Alone once again, spinning red eyes scanned over the scroll, this time to engrain the images to his memory. It would only be a few more months at most, and then it would all be over. He pushed away from the dais and the now sealed scroll, placing his arms behind his head and gave a contented sigh as he reclined into the luxurious cushions that surrounded him.

His main goal in life was soon to be achieved, each hardship he endured making this success all the sweeter. His victory pre-ordained, he allowed himself this slight reprieve. Letting the images from the scroll replay in his mind, he knew that fate would eventually smile upon him. With eyes drifting closed and the light scent in the air dulling his senses, he felt a true sense of calm for the first time in many years.


	2. Losing the Lustre

Hello readers, and welcome to this Author's Note. Just a reminder – and what will become noticeable in the next chapter – is that this story is very 4th wall, as worlds merge together to make this absurd AU. Rest assured, we'll be returning to Madara shortly. He's not the type to be satisfied solely with a cameo appearance in a prologue.

* * *

Kentarou Fujita sat ramrod straight on the chair. No matter how supple the leather or the softness of the cushion, the eager man refused to relax into its comfort. It was his first time to enter the inner sanctum of his potential employer. To have this meeting in the first place was truly a blessing bestowed upon him from the very kami, and he would do his utmost to make sure this was not a one-time event.

As a guest invited into this sacred space, he couldn't help himself from politely looking around the room while he sat, waiting for the man in front of him to look up from reviewing the files of his portfolio. Kentarou tried to suppress the small smile on his face every time he heard an approving "hm" sound come from the man behind the desk. Despite trying to look professional, it was proving to be difficult to not show the excitement brewing in him when someone so prestigious noted how good his prior work was with each monosyllabic comment.

He noted the office was minimalist, and admired the simple lines that made up the large desk before him. Of even greater simplicity was the man seated behind that desk, the very man whose name was spoken in awe by legions of loyal followers. An innocuous bronze name plate gleamed, resting close to the front edge of the desk. The lustre of Masashi Kishimoto radiated in more ways than one to Kentarou as he continued to sit in anticipation.

The large windows behind the celebrated mangaka provided an impressive view of the city's skyline. Though it was an overcast day, occasional rays of sunshine were able to filter through the clouds and into the office, back-lighting Kishimoto with a golden aura. It only seemed proper that nature itself wanted to cast an ethereal glow upon the creator of the Narutoverse.

 _It's just so fitting; surely this must be auspicious_ , thought the optimistic job-seeker. The perfection of the moment was only heightened when Kishimoto looked up from the file, smiling in a way that was reminiscent of the benevolence of Buddha himself.

Kentarou briefly wondered if he should ask for an autograph to send to his little brother, but thought better of it. After all, one wouldn't want to come across as some kind of sycophant. Even if he was sitting in the presence of greatness. It was proving to be difficult to contain his anticipation and he hoped his outward appearance portrayed cool confidence and not the simpering pathetic mess he tried to suppress.

While this inner turmoil played out in Kentarou's head, he was being skillfully appraised by the man behind the desk.

With a casual glance, Kishimoto could ascertain exactly what he needed to know. The man attempting not to fidget like an excited puppy on the plush leather chair was of taller than average height and had a lanky quality to him. Dark hair was stylishly slicked back, but the telltale crimp to the hair where a baseball cap usually rested gave him away as a man that preferred the outfit of the everyday man and not business suits. His complexion spoke of a man approaching his prime years, yet still held a youthful countenance to him.

 _Yes_ , Kishimoto thought to himself. _He would do fine_.

They had been searching for just the right Episode Director to complete the series. They needed a bold visionary. Someone with the tenacity to handle the logistical nightmare that filming onsite could bring. Someone with enough backbone to stand up to some of the bigger players in the Naruto cast of characters when push came to shove. And preferably someone with quick reflexes to dodge a kunai should one be launched in their general direction. It wasn't surprising that this was one of the most common workplace injuries that 'coincidentally' occurred whenever an unpopular decision was made to the storyboard.

Kishimoto had already discussed the candidates with the various Studio Peirrot executives and Hayato Date, the Series Director. They had unanimously selected Kentarou for the position a week ago. This final interview was a mere formality in their minds, and a chance for Kishimoto to learn more about their future - if not naïve - Episode Director.

Kishimoto glanced down at the file in his hand. "You mentioned in an earlier interview with the studio executives that you work best in a team-environment on set, am I correct?"

"Well yes, I did." Though his earlier answer had been under duress as he was attempting to climb a rope ladder suspended over a water tank full of sharks at the time of the questioning. But yes - he was definitely a 'team-player'. Unless you ask the other candidates he had unceremoniously kicked off of the ladder in his frenzied attempt to put more distance between the snapping jaws below and his delicious-looking body. Kentarou's eyes shifted uneasily for a moment at the memory, hoping the executives who had monitored the interview process didn't report that part to Kishimoto.

"Good! We don't talk about teamwork as an abstract concept around here. We live it, we breath it – it is our ninja way."

Kentarou's brow furrowed a bit at the faraway look that the Narutoverse creator had, but waited patiently for Kishimoto's mind to return to their conversation. He figured he waited long enough when he heard "Dattebayo" whispered aloud. He gave a light cough that thankfully seemed to pull the other man out of his daydream.

Now looking over his steepled fingers, Kishimoto analyzed the man seated in front of him who was no doubt growing incrementally nervous as the seconds of silence continued, but he was doing a fine job of hiding it.

Kishimoto wasn't a fool – he understood why so many people had vied for this opportunity, and the great risks that come with accepting the position. It had taken a long time to weed out the undesirables, those who wouldn't have the right conviction to see the project to the end. Though to be fair, the obstacle course consisting of vicious wild dogs and the ramen-eating contest had been more for Kishimoto's personal enjoyment than to ascertain the qualifications of the job candidates. The studio executives claimed it definitely weeded out the slower moving applicants with no real harm done. The insurance company, however, respectfully disagreed with the studio's findings. A strongly worded letter from the insurer suggested that they reconsider changing the location of job interviews to any other location than the Forest of Death.

The candidates that had made it to the end were feeling the effects from the combination of exhaustion, stress, and uncertainty. And yet, they had persevered. It filled Kishimoto with a new hope for the future of the series, and for this particular candidate. Kentarou showed such promise.

"Your body of work is impressive, to have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. When reviewing the portfolios of the prospective candidates, I must say that your work stood out and far exceeded any of our expectations." Before the now blushing man in front of him could start to blubber platitudes of his own, Kishimoto cut him off. "However, I do have a few questions that I would like you to answer before we continue any further."

"O-of course, Kishimoto-sama." _So much for this being a sure-thing_ , Kentarou thought wryly. All he had to do was think clearly and with a level head. He ignored the lump of uncertainty that lodged itself in his throat when he noticed a gleam in the other man's eye. _Really_ , he chided himself, _I've come this far – I can do this! What could possibly go wrong?_

Kishimoto liked to think of himself as entertainingly spontaneous, and reached into the top drawer of the desk to pull out a Leaf Village hitai-ate, tied it across his forehead, and attempted to channel his inner ninja. The unsubtle look of bafflement on Kentarou's face at this unusual move reassured Kishimoto that he had suitably met his goal of maintaining an air of being eccentric.

"Alright!" Slapping both of his hands against the top of the desk, Kishimoto stood quickly from his seat and leaned far enough forward that Kentarou thought he might jump over the desk in his fervor. "We've already established that you have the qualifications to actually do the technical side of this position. Now I need to know if you're familiar with some of the personalities you'll be working with. So let's start with rapid fire responses! Say the first thing that comes to mind when I say a name!"

Kentarou was too stunned by the sudden outburst to reply, and hoped his widened eyes and continued look of confusion was enough of a prompt for Kishimoto to carry on.

"Tell me something about Naruto!"

"Er, a-an unpredictable loveable goof with charisma and heart, striving for peace between shinobi nations…?" Kentarou could practically hear the unsure shrug in his own voice, and attempted to not cringe in awkward self-awareness.

"Good, good!" Kishimoto encouraged, "Now, Sasuke!"

"U-Unstable survivor of horrific abuse at the hands of his brother, committed to repeating a cycle of violence."

A wide smile appeared on Kishimoto's face. He was enjoying this, and as Kentarou thought about it – it was kind of like a team-building exercise. He could totally do this! Bolstered by this new confidence, he didn't miss a beat when he heard "Kakashi" called out.

"A hyped and ridiculously skilled jonin with serious PTSD issues!"

"Jiraiya!"

"Naruto's mentor, possessing great generational wisdom in one perverted package!"

"Orochimaru!"

Kentarou could only muster a disgusted shiver, to which Kishimoto gave a satisfied nod.

"Tsunade!"

"Boobs!"

Kentarou didn't need a mirror in front of him to know how horrified his now blanched expression was. _Oh. Dear. God. What the hell did I just yell out in front of THE Masashi Kishimoto_? But there was no time to reflect as the names of dozens of characters continued to be shot at him in quick succession.

"And finally, what about TenTen?"

Looking momentarily drained from the non-stop questions, Kentarou couldn't help but repeat in an inadvertently cavalier way, "What about TenTen?" before he could stop himself. If he was seated any closer to the desk, he would have let his forehead fall against it fast and hard, with the hopes he could knock himself out since the likelihood of a hole opening up beneath him to save him from his own embarrassment didn't seem to be forthcoming. Even though he had just unintentionally insulted one of the Konoha Eleven, her character creator didn't seem at all bothered.

In fact, he leaned back in his chair and gave a satisfied sigh to help relieve some of the previously built up tension in the room. Kishimoto was pleased. "Well done, KenKen-kun."

Still recovering from what he thought was a disastrous interrogation session, Ken attempted to correct Kishimoto on his name, but wasn't given the chance.

"Though for 'Tsunade', I was hoping for more along the lines of 'Medically proficient drunken Fifth Hokage with _big_ boobs', but I can tell that's what you were aiming for."

Kentarou could only nod meekly. _Well, that was…random?_ Thankfully he had been able to draw upon his knowledge from the Databook section of the timed trials during the earlier part of the interview process. He started to get his heart rate down again when he made the mistake of making direct eye contact with the man behind the desk.

"And how resourceful are you at creating excuses?"

"I-I beg your pardon, sir?" _What the hell kind of question was that?_ Then again, this entire interview process had been anything but normal.

Seeing the lost look in the young man's eyes, Kishimoto went on to assure him. "I meant with the characters in your previous directorial duties."

Catching on to what he was asking, Kentarou sported a confident smile. "I've had experience working in challenging conditions with what some people may consider to be 'difficult' actors." At this, he noticed Kishimoto appreciably perk up. "Personally, I prefer to think of these individuals as head-strong and impassioned, and rather than discouraging that kind of behavior, I prefer to channel it in other, more productive, ways. It's better to expend that kind of energy to capture it on film than to suppress it. As you can see from my previous work, I'm very adept at keeping the peace between our financial backers while not compromising the relationship I keep with both the cast and production crew."

Kishimoto took a moment to sit back and admire the most diplomatic way he had ever heard of putting up with the temperament and general bullshit that comes with working with 'difficult' actors. There was almost a sort of beauty to it.

But he could ruminate on it later –for now, it was time for the final question.

"And most importantly, Kentarou-san, what is your nindo?"

Kentarou felt immense pressure to come up with the right phrase after some of the answers he had supplied earlier. While momentarily sorting his thoughts, he was only vaguely aware that Kishimoto had opened his computer's playlist, clicking on the Naruto Shippuden soundtrack. With the soft strains of the ' _Emergence of Talents_ ' track filling the office, Kentarou prepared himself. He was in the last leg of this interview process, dammit, and there was no way was he going to screw this up! He wanted this job so badly he could taste it. Unknowingly aligning his steely resolve in time with the rising crescendo of the song, Kentarou knew what he must do. This job would. be. HIS!

Because if anything, Kentarou was resourceful. With only a moment to get his thoughts in order, he boldly leveled his determined gaze at Kishimoto.

"Having a vision, and sticking by my guns, no matter the challenges. To see a project through to the very end. To have both cast and crew working together to make this vision a reality – to benefit the integrity of the story, the pride of those involved, and the enjoyment of the audience, as well as the Creator." With a slight pause for full effect, when he was sure Kishimoto was aware of the capitalization of his title, he stoically ended, " _That_ is my ninja way."

With impeccable timing that could only come from years of dramatic filmmaking, Kentarou's declaration ended perfectly with the conclusion of the song. Silence filled the office while he waited for a response.

After another moment or two to give the younger man a chance to sweat it out a little, Kishimoto nodded. "Excellent."

Kentarou let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding.

"You come highly recommended from your previous employers. I have already spoken with Hayato Date, and we believe you are our man. Congratulations, on behalf of both myself and Studio Peirrot, welcome aboard as our Episode Director."

And with that brief statement, Kentarou's world would be forever changed. His eyes widened in shock before a large grin appeared on his face. _He reminds me a bit of Naruto_ , Kishimoto thought to himself, amused.

Kentarou was on his feet with lightning speed, Kishimoto nearly fell out of his chair with surprise. _And unpredictable! Let's hope he doesn't end up being knuckle-headed as well,_ he thought ruefully.

"Thank you, Kishimoto-sama!" The newly titled Episode Director bowed deeply. "I will not let you or Studio Peirrot down!"

Hearing the sincerity in the man's voice, Kishimoto let the benevolent smile return to his face. He wasn't one for standing on ceremony, and motioned for the man in front of him to take his seat after signing the contract proffered to him.

Feeling as though he had made some kind of connection with his new boss, Kentarou felt comfortable enough to elaborate. "Your dedication to the story of Naruto is admirable, Kishimoto-sama. It has been my dream to help share it with others. I promise to remain faithful to your vision when filming."

Kishimoto nodded at the sentiment. "I've spent more than twenty years perfecting my art. To take so many people on an incredible journey of adventure, of friends and surrogate families, how hard work and dedication can triumph over all barriers…and of course ramen noodles." _Many, many ramen noodles_ , he thought as he toed the empty take-out containers littering the space under his desk. "Well, you get the idea."

"And love, of course," Kentarou helpfully supplied.

"The who-what now?" The look on Kishimoto's face was of genuine befuddlement.

"Um...love, Kishimoto-sama?"

"Oh, right. That." The artist dismissively waved his hand in front of him. "Well, one doesn't always have time to invest in certain subjects when there's so much more to be expanded upon plot-wise."

Now it was Kentarou's turn to show confusion. "But, isn't it important to show something like undying-"

"- Friendship? Absolutely! The more platonic the better."

 _Well now this was just strange._ "Not to sound disrespectful sir, but don't you feel that may be a bit misleading to your many readers?"

"Nonsense!" he joyfully responded, clapping his hands together once as if to dispel such a silly notion. "A story with so many twists and turns, who has time for building up romance?"

Rhetorical question or not, the younger man was about to speak up, then thought better of it. This was his dream job, and he didn't want to ruin this opportunity. The benefits that could come from this experience was immense, to direct up to fifty consecutive episodes of one of the most popular anime series of all time would take him to the top of the industry. Not to mention, the pay was pretty decent as well.

His new employer spoke again, bringing him out of his thoughts. "You are accepting a mission, one that will be full of peril, but I assure you the rewards are worth every moment of misery this mission will bring to you." Kishimoto's tone was dead serious, and was putting a damper on Kentarou's warm fuzzy vibe of only a few moments previous.

For not the first time that day, Kentarou felt oddly suspicious. "Surely it can't be all that bad?"

"Oh, it will be. I guarantee it." The fact that Kishimoto was saying this with a broad smile began to worry Kentarou.

Still, he nodded to his superior. "Then I thank you for showing confidence in my abilities. I will not let you down," he repeated.

"I'm sure of it!" _You better not_ , Kishimoto worried, _you're our last hope at this point_ , as he recalled the other prospective candidates who were currently in the intensive care ward at the local hospital. Perhaps having the applicants cross an alligator infested swamp had been unnecessary, but it was too late to dwell on the 'what-ifs' of the hiring process.

Feeling at ease for the first time since he entered the office, Kentarou also leaned back in his chair. Not sure if he was sounding too casual too soon, he half-laughed and said, "If I didn't know better from your question earlier, I would have thought that you were implying that I might have a lot of trouble on set with a cast of divas on my hands."

Kishimoto's eyes darted around nervously as he gave a tepid laugh. "Goodness, I have no idea how you may have gotten that idea." Quickly looking at the watch he wasn't wearing, he tutted. "Well, would you look at the time? My apologies for having to cut this meeting short, Kentarou-san, but I do have a flight to catch."

"Oh, of course, Kishimoto-sama." Kentarou rose from his seat while witnessing the mangaka struggling to drag two wheeled suitcases through what sounded like a large pile of empty ramen-noodle cups from behind the desk.

"Um, would you like a hand with one of those?"

With a grateful smile, Kishimoto gave him the handles of both suitcases, and picked up a few lightweight items from his desk to carry – including his own name plate.

Kentarou thought this unusual, but thought better than to ask. He was beginning to understand that unusual behavior was now the new normal when in Kishimoto's presence. But would this continue on set? A small seed of doubt was attempting to take root, but Kentarou would have none of it. After all, he got the job! That's all that mattered, and this was going to be a great adventure! Or so he kept telling himself.

"Alright, follow me!" Kishimoto was polite enough to hold his office door open so Kentarou could struggle more easily with the suitcases as he squeezed out into the hallway. They stopped abruptly in front of a door with a green sign on it. The sign had what looked like a stickperson walking up a flight of stairs.

"Wait, we're taking the stairs? But I remember using an elevator to get to this floor." He looked longingly at the shiny metallic elevator doors only a few feet away.

"No, no, this is the top floor the elevator goes to. Access to the helipad on the roof is only accessible from the stairwell."

"…Sir, may I ask why this building has a helipad?"

"Oh, we don't use it very often, only for emergencies." He neglected to add that it was installed shortly after the Pein arc. Apparently some fans were not happy regarding the depiction of Pein's final fight with Naruto, and emergency escape measures were necessary. Pein himself had never seen the episodes, as he claimed to have no interest in watching television. And every day, Studio Peirrot prayed that he never would. The rest of the cast and crew were under strict orders to never show or mention it to Pein, unless they wanted their contract terminated. Needless to say, this provided a stalemate when it came to blackmailing opportunities.

Taking a moment to look around the barren stairwell as they climbed the two stories to the rooftop, Kentarou wondered what emergency he was talking about. After all, what kind of emergency would require a scheduled pick up by helicopter, with two fully loaded suitcases? Thinking back to his brief time in Kishimoto's office, was it modernly minimalist in design, or had he already packed everything up beforehand so it only looked empty?

Opening the door to the roof, a sharp gust of wind blew in from the helicopter's whirling blades as it came in to land. Both men ducked against the wind and made a run for it. The passenger door slid open, and inside were several people Kentarou instantly recognized. Three Studio Peirrot executives were seated in the cabin, luggage of their own at their feet. All three looked over, and offered smiles and small waves, but no offer of assistance, so the new hire heaved the suitcases inside. Just as Kishimoto crawled inside and started to buckle up his seatbelt, Kentarou attempted to shout over the noise of the helicopter engine. "What emergency?"

"Nothing to be concerned about! Here, take this!" And the diminutive man forcefully shoved an unassuming manila envelope into the hand of a perplexed Kentarou. "It'll explain everything you need to know. Good luck, we'll be in touch in the next few days!"

Kishimoto gave what sounded like a thank you to Kentarou for his help with the luggage, before sliding the door closed in his face.

With no alternative, Kentarou stepped back from the helicopter as it wasted no time in lifting up and away. As it receded into the distance, and the thunderous noise was replaced by the sound of a gentle wind blowing, he looked down at the slightly crumpled envelope in his hand.

 _What the hell did I just get myself into?_


End file.
